


Perfect life

by radhaj



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, SPOILERY THINGS FOLLOW IN THESE TAGS READ AT OWN RISK, also, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:51:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radhaj/pseuds/radhaj
Summary: Bad things sometimes lead to good things. Not everything is as it seems. Love is powerful, but not powerful enough.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little advice - don't assume anything while reading this. Be patient till the end, please. And thank you.

_2003-10-03_

The first time they met, Nino was nineteen – a student, lazy, unconcerned, young and reckless. A more mature person might have thought better than to take that shortcut through a dark alleyway at that time of night, but not him. Because like every young, inexperienced person, he thought that yes, bad things happened, but to _other_ people. Not him. Never him.

Until that evening. Because then it was _him_ being robbed at knife point by two thugs, _him_ being roughly shoved back when he didn’t immediately cooperate and surrender his belongings, _him_ blacking out when he stumbled backwards and hit his head on a wall.

He figured it couldn’t have been more than five minutes later that he woke up. With emptier pockets and no bag, but with a round face hovering above his, chocolate-brown eyes filled with worry peering down at him.

“Oh thank goodness, you’re awake. No, don’t move!” The handsome stranger stilled him when Nino attempted to sit up from the cold, dirty asphalt, “You might have a concussion. Ah, I should call an ambulance,” he then interrupted himself, already patting his pockets, presumably in search for his phone. Despite the throbbing in his head and the realization that he had just been robbed and lost more than a student coming from a poor family like him could even _think_ about without starting to feel nauseated, Nino couldn’t help but find the stranger’s flusteredness in the situation cute and slightly amusing.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m fine,” he croaked out and pushed himself up into a sitting position. Gingerly, he raised his hand to the spot on the back of his head where the throbbing was the worst, and flinched when even the slightest touch made it hurt more. He didn’t know what he had expected, really. Grinding his teeth, Nino looked around himself then.

“I saw two guys hauling their asses out of here,” the stranger’s soft voice interrupted his appraisal of the situation, “Then I saw you on the ground… I don’t suppose I need to ask what happened?”

Nino just snorted at the rhetorical question and then groaned as the reality of the situation began to sink in.

“They’re long gone then, aren’t they?” he said with a sigh, “I can understand taking my phone, but did they _have_ to take my bag too? What are they even going to do with a bunch of textbooks?”

The other winced sympathetically at that.

“You’re a student? Do you need to call someone? Your parents maybe?” he asked, already offering his own phone which he had finally located in one of his pockets, “If you don’t want to go to the hospital then perhaps they could pick you up?”

But Nino just waved it off.

“Thanks, but they live on the other side of the island so that’s unlikely. No need to worry them,” he explained his reasoning, gathering up his strength in preparation to try and stand up, “My mom would just stay up the whole night in concern, and my father would just say it’s my own fault for taking dangerous shortcuts,” then, under his breath, “I hate it when he’s right.”

The stranger frowned, seemingly not quite ready to agree. But once he saw Nino attempting to get up, he forgot anything he had wanted to say about it and sprang into action, helping the smaller man and supporting him physically when Nino swayed a bit once he got to his feet. He had to admit he was slightly dizzy and had to forcibly shut up the little voice in the back of his head that questioned whether he’d even be able to make it back to the dorms like this.

“You shouldn’t be left alone,” the other man said then, “You obviously hit your head pretty hard, it might have consequences. Look,” he then seemed to hesitate for just half a second, “I live just down the street over there. How about you just stay the night, and I can rest easy knowing I didn’t just let someone go off and die from head injuries?”

Nino just froze, not having expected the surprising offer. Slowly, so as not to jar his brain even more, he turned his head to look at the kind stranger.

“How do I know you aren’t some freak that wants to lock up a cute boy in his flat and have his wicked way with him?” he asked, half-seriously, “I don’t even know your name yet,” he pointed out the obvious, but the stranger seemed more amused by his proposed abduction-scenario than apprehensive about letting someone _he_ didn’t even know into his home.

“I’m Sakurai,” he offered, with a toothy grin, as if this solved everything instead of only addressing the minor one of Nino’s concerns, “Sakurai Sho.”

Nino frowned even more, but inwardly had to admit that something made him feel like he could trust the man. In fact, some strange force seemed to be pulling him towards him.

“Are you always so keen on inviting people you find on the street to your home, Sakurai-san?” he questioned anyway.

“Nah,” the man said, already gently guiding him out of the alley, “Only the really cute ones.”

And Nino was young, and reckless, and just the slightest bit charmed, so he let Sakurai Sho lead him to his home that night.

____-__-__

“I can’t believe you still don’t know how to do your tie,” Nino grumbled half-heartedly as he tightened the knot just perfectly before stepping back and giving Sho a once over to make sure his boyfriend’s outfit was flawless. Once satisfied he nodded to himself, and then stepped towards the nearby mirror to check up on his own appearance, his face morphing into a characteristic to him teasing grin, “I can’t believe we’re actually graduating on the same day despite you being two years older than me.”

“Can’t be helped,” the other gave a long-suffering sigh, “It’s the fate of us medical students, studying until we’re green in the face and then some. What _I_ can’t believe is that I actually put up with _you_ for close to four years by now,” he said, chuckling when he saw the pout on Nino’s face and winding his arms around the smaller man from behind, pressing his face into his neck.

“Stop it, your hair will get disheveled again,” Nino pretended to protest for half a second, even as he automatically sunk back into his boyfriend’s embrace, feeling content and at home. A few moments passed as they reveled in each other’s closeness before he broke the silence again, “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” he commented wistfully, thinking back to that one night that was the beginning of the strongest bond he had ever formed with anyone in his life, or ever would.

Sho hummed in agreement, looking similarly lost in his memories, before a glance at the clock reminded him they should soon get moving, and he regretfully released the smaller man and stepped back again.

“Are your parents coming to our after-party?” he then asked a little hesitantly, searching for where he put his comb so he could fix his hair. The short moment of silence gave him his answer before Nino did.

“Mom said father has an important business meeting tomorrow and thus they should return home early today so he can get ready for it.”

“…I’m sorry, Kazu.”

“What for?” the younger man snorted humorlessly, “It is not your fault. They would have disapproved no matter who I would have chosen.”

“That might be true, but I am still a source of tension between you and your family, and I am sorry for that.”

_????-??-??_

“What?” Nino was staring uncomprehendingly at his lover, who was kneeling before him, holding his hand in both of his, looking both sheepish and earnest at the same time.

“I know, it’s impossible to do it officially. You might think it’s silly and I’d understand if you say no. But I love you, and I want to be part of your life forever and I just thought we could organize some sort of symbolic ceremony with friends and family and-“

“Yes.”

It was now Sho’s turn to blink, perplexed.

“Excuse me?”

“I said yes, Sho-chan. Yes, I would like to marry you.”

He had the privilege of witnessing his boyfriend completely crumpling in happiness then, soon springing up to pull him down into a hug and grasping at his back almost desperately. And Nino would have liked to tease him about it, but he would have lied if he had said he wasn’t feeling slightly overwhelmed himself. His eyes were acting weird, his whole surroundings were suddenly blurry and he couldn’t help but draw back and rub at them slightly.

“Aww, are you getting teared up? That’s so cute?” Sho couldn’t let the opportunity go, and Nino reached out to gently punch him on the shoulder.

“Shut up,” he snapped, even as he started collapsing into happy giggles.

_2013-01-04_

The second major accident in Nino’s life happened ten years later, and was of an automotive kind. He had no memories of it afterwards, he simply found himself in a hospital, connected to some beeping machines, bruised and bandaged all over, Sho’s calming presence at his side.

“You sure love worrying people, don’t you?” the older man berated him, but the redness of his eyes and the way he rubbed his thumb over Nino’s hand spoke of completely different things.

“Wha… What happened?” Nino croaked out, feeling understandably confused. Sho grimaced.

“A hit and run, apparently. The asshole driver didn’t even stop, we’re not exactly sure how long it took before someone found you and called an ambulance. The doctors were concerned for a while. You weren’t waking up, your ribs are cracked, arm broken in three places... Apparently, if you had stayed unconscious until morning, it would mean a serious head trauma. Thankfully you woke up now, but I wasn’t worried anyway. After all, you’d need to have a brain in the first place for that to be a concern, right?”

The joke was weak at best, but Nino still managed to crack a small, tired smile.

“I love you,” he mouthed, unable to look away from Sho’s face, for some reason feeling an unimaginable joy just seeing him there.

“I love you too, Kazu,” the older man smiled, obvious wetness in his eyes as he reached up to caress the smaller man’s cheek and then carefully pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, “I’m so glad you’re okay. If you think you’ll get out of that anniversary celebration party we had planned just because you got hospitalized then you are _sore_ ly mistaken,” he joked again, “Get it? Because you are _sore_?”

Nino couldn’t really manage a reply anymore, the corners of his lips not even curling upwards. There was a clock hanging on the wall behind Sho, but Nino couldn’t make out what time it was. He felt so tired…

“You must feel awful,” Sho noted then, abandoning all the bravado, “You need to recover. Sleep now.”

And Nino did.

_2003-10-04_

When Nino had opened his eyes, only a doctor had been by his side and she was now bombarding him with questions, trying to determine if he had suffered any brain damage and ignoring his confused insistences that he was fine.

“It took hours before you woke up, it is indicative of serious brain trauma,” she repeated for the umpteenth time, but Nino was not listening to her. He was looking around himself, feeling his breathing rate increase with every second, while his brain was going into an overdrive.

“I don’t understand,” he whispered, his eyes wide and his pupils blown. His breathing was by now panicked.

“You must be slipping into some sort of a delayed shock reaction,” she said, hitting the button to call a nurse, “We should-“

“No!” Nino screamed when she reached towards him again and scrambled upwards on the bed until he was huddled right against the wall, his arms wrapped protectively around himself, “No, you don’t understand… I… where is… Sho? Sho!”

_2013-01-05_

Nino was staring at the clock in his hospital room, doing nothing else but listening to it tick, when his mother visited him.

“Hello, honey,” she said, the bag in her hands probably full of get-well gifts.

“Mom?” he said, his brain still seemingly a bit slow, “I… didn’t expect you.”

“Oh?” she intoned, and Nino wished he wouldn’t notice the judgement in her eyes even as her smile stayed steady on her face, “Didn’t expect _me_ now did you?”

Nino did both of them a favor by not answering and thus not causing an argument to break out between them mere seconds after her arrival. She was soon busy anyway, fussing over him, talking a mile a-minute about how worried she and his father had been and how he should be more careful when walking at night, and how the store that she had gone to had a sale on fruit…

“…so I brought you a bunch, you need the vitamins to get well quickly after all,” she said, taking a bunch of bananas and apples and other food out of her bag, “And also some food I made, because hospital food is always so bad and you’re already so picky with what you eat as it is…”

She did her best to stay cheerful, but his lack of participation in the conversation and distant gaze soon wore down on her and she fell silent, fidgeting with the material of her skirt for a while. Then she cleared her throat, obviously trying for a neutral tone when she spoke up again.

“The doctor, uhm, mentioned you asked for Sho when you woke up? Did he… I mean… Hasn’t he-“

“Don’t,” Nino cut her off, coldly, his fingers digging into the sheets beside him, “Don’t you even speak about him. I know what you think about it after all.”

She seemed shocked by his words for a few moments, and hurt, but it didn’t take long for her to recover.

“Kazunari,” she said, _pleaded_ even, “Sweetheart. I am your mother. You know that I want all the best in the world for you, don’t you?”

He was too upset at the moment for her love to touch him.

“You are the ones making a problem out of this-“

“Because it is not normal!” she snapped, finally, and Nino froze, his heart skipping a beat. He gritted his teeth then, turning his head to glare at her.

“Leave,” he said. She floundered for a moment, opened her mouth to apologize then closed it, and finally stood up.

“You need help, honey. And I will not stand by and just watch you continue to ruin your life,” she said, apologetic but determined, and then left.

_2013-04-01_

“Ninomiya-kun, I understand that it is upon your mother’s suggestion that you came to see me-“

“If that’s what you call her _tricking_ me into coming here,” he snorted, glaring at the woman sitting on the couch next to him. But the therapist didn’t really react.

“I am sure that on some level, you must understand why this concerns her so much, even if you don’t see any problem yourself,” he intoned calmly, his legs crossed, his interlaced fingers resting on his knee. A minute, then another of silence passed. Nino still didn’t say a word.

“Ninomiya-kun, how about we just talk about this together, discuss it?” the therapist probed again, “I am sure there are different angles to this whole issue, and we should explore them. If you think your mother is wrong, then perhaps you can convince her by doing this. But first, you need to give it a go, talk about it. You could start by telling me about _him_?”

Nino was silent for a few more minutes, going through a range of emotions. Indignation, grief, anger… surrender. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“His name is Sakurai Sho,” he said finally, seeing with the corner of his eyes how his mother suddenly straightened up, as if not quite believing he was actually taking, “He is a doctor. A psychiatrist, to be more specific. He is very successful at his work.”

The therapist leaned forward with interest. Nino might have been paranoid, but he felt as if the man was waiting for him to make some mistake.

“What about his family?” the man asked, and Nino clenched his fists, then took a few breaths to calm himself and forced himself to continue.

“He has a brother, who is a news anchor, and a sister that is an idol. His mother is a university professor and his father – a politician.”

“Hm,” the therapist hums, noting something onto the pad he is holding in his hands, “What do they think of your relationship? If his father is a politician, wouldn’t it pose a slight problem, considering the current level of tolerance in Japan?”

Nino actually chuckled then.

“They realized they couldn’t control their children’s lives the moment their daughter announced she’ll be an idol. Sho is hardly the only black sheep in his family,” he said, his eyes lighting up with fondness. The therapist considered him silently for a long while.

“And you love him?”

Nino, turned his head and looked past the window in the office, taking in the panorama of the city revealed through it.

“More than life itself.”

_2015-01-25_

The third major accident in Nino’s life was caused intentionally, by his own actions.

Sho was once again sitting at his side, by the hospital bed, when his consciousness returned. The older man’s long, beautiful fingers were clutching at Nino’s hand as if his life depended on it, his handsome face marred by tears.

“Hey,” Nino greeted him with a small smile. Nothing else existed but him and Sho, the entire room blurred around them. But Nino didn’t care. He just drank in the face of his lover and felt happier than he had in ages. But Sho was obviously heartbroken.

“Why?” he asked, desperately, his voice choked up, “Why would you do this to yourself, Kazu? I thought we are doing well... Aren’t you happy with me?”

Nino felt as if a knife was lodged in his throat, but his smile didn’t waver.

“I’m happy with you,” he stated, more truthfully than he had ever said anything in his life. But instead of reassuring Sho, his words seemed to make the other cry even more, and Nino soon found his face pressed against his boyfriend’s/lover’s/soulmate’s chest.

“Sho…” he muttered into the soft shirt, “Do you love me?”

“Oh, Nino…” The other breathed out, and Nino could feel tear drop onto his head, “Of course I love you. Why would you ever have to ask. You are my whole existence.”

_2015-02-03_

Dr. Ishihara finally finished writing onto his pad and raised his head to look at his patient. Nino was sprawled over the entire length of the couch on his back, looking up at the ceiling lifelessly.

“So you claim… that there is no one else in this world for you, no one but Sakurai Sho?”

Nino just nodded slowly.

“And that the life you… share with him, is your idea of a perfect life?”

This time, Nino remained motionless and didn’t answer for a longer time.

“Yes,” he said finally, and then corrected himself, “Or rather, it would be… if it was real.”

_2003-10-04_

“ _What do you mean it was not real_!?” Nino screamed and struggled against the nurses that were trying to control him and protect him from hurting himself since he shouldn’t have been moving in his state.

“Ninomiya-kun, I must ask you to try and calm yourself down,” the doctor tried to get through to him. Nino could see his mother, scared and terrified, standing behind the medical professional but he didn’t care.

“It was real!” he insisted, “I can tell you every single detail of what happened! How can it not be real!”

“You were discovered in the alley by an elderly man, who called an ambulance immediately,” the doctor stated then, “You woke up a mere hour ago. Anything else you think happened instead of this must be vivid hallucinations or dreams you experienced, perhaps partly because of the head trauma you’ve suffered.”

Nino was feeling nauseated and weakened, so he wasn’t able to keep up his thrashing for long. But even as he recognized that the doctor’s words had to be true, he couldn’t believe them.

“Five years,” he whispered, “It was five long, wonderful years and you’re telling me…”

“I’m sorry,” the doctor said, and honestly did sound apologetic then, “But none of it ever actually happened.”

_2015-02-03_

“Explain it to me again,” Dr. Ishihara asked, and Nino sighed. He knew that if he pointed out that he already had, multiple times, the therapist would only say it was a good way for him to keep on top of the truth. Problem was, Nino was well aware of the truth. It was what was killing him every single day.

“It only happens after I suffer some sort of major trauma,” he started then, “Like when I was mugged and hurt my head really bad. Or when was hit by a car. I… dream of him. Of the life I lead with him. Five years of it the first time, seven more the second one. And it is all… It feels as real to me as you and me here, right now, talking.”

“But he is not real.”

“He is not real.”

“You recognize this?”

“Yes. But I want it to be. I want to be with him.”

The ticking of the clock sounded incredibly loud in the silence that followed this. And it triggered a flash of memory of a hospital room, of leaving it with his lover, of celebrating a five-year anniversary and then the ten-year one, of loving, of living, of _Sho_.

“Is that why you took all those sleeping pills a week ago? To meet him?”

The question was non-judgmental, but Nino could barely cope with hearing it.

“I wasn’t trying to kill myself,” he said, his voice sounding as if he was trying to justify himself, and he hated that, “I was simply desperate. It only happened twice before, both times when my life was in danger. I just wanted…” he brokeoff then and had to swallow with difficulties before he could continue, “But it didn’t even last long this time. All I got was maybe an hour with him at best.”

“You have a real life,” the doctor reminded him gently, “Real people who care for you and love you. Your mother who has always worried about you as she witnessed how much you struggled to swallow the truth ever since that first time. They don’t want you to do this to yourself.”

“…I know…”

“Yet you refuse to try to move on?”

“…move on to what, sensei? From what?” Nino asked, closing his eyes to hold back the tears that threatened to spill, “How do you grieve for someone like that? No pictures, no _anything_. He didn’t die nor did he leave me. He just never existed… Only he _did_ , to me. And after him, how can I ever be able to be with anyone else? How can I just go on living, when I know that if _only_ something happened to me, I might be able to meet him again.”

The therapist stayed quiet.

_2015-10-03_

Nino stood in the alley, staring at the patch of the wall that must have started it all. He had come here many times in the past, looking, waiting, hoping. But a stranger with a familiar face never rounded the corner to meet him, his “husband” never came looking for him, the dream never turned back into reality.

“I’ll see you again,” he whispered, the promise melting into the air, with no proof that it had ever existed; Nino - its only witness.

Turning on his heel, the petite man started walking out of the abandoned alley, only to stop next to the fire-exit ladder that led to the roof of one of the buildings.

He closed his eyes, taking one deep breath after another. The image of the round, beloved face hovered in his mind’s eye and Nino knew that if he just reached out, he would be able to touch it once again.

**Author's Note:**

> I live in a world where only fics with happy endings exist. I ignore anything else. And then I write this. I will never forgive myself.  
> I don't really take credit for the main idea of the fic. I read a real life story recently about a guy who got knocked out for only five minutes, lived years during them in a detailed, realistic dream where he found a wife and had two kids, and then had to deal with the psychological consequences of knowing they never were real for the rest of his life. I get emotionally attached to socks that I wore in a dream once, so the very idea of something like that terrifies me. And yet I had to expand upon it and write a fic about my fav pairing with it and make them suffer and I am so so sorry, Nino. Fics with bad endings don't exist. Lalalalalala *covers ears*
> 
> PS. The ending is supposed to be open. I hope this was the right amount of confusing to be interesting-confusing and not just wtf-is-this-confusing. If you're left with questions, please ask so I can address them. Thank you if you read. Even more thank you f you leave a comment, they give me life.


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